Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Ugly Truth

I've been following a couple of new blogs recently,  I've been seeking out weight loss blogs since the New Year, and I've really enjoyed getting to know  Erin,  Alex , Holly and Mama Laughlin.  I realize that I really enjoy reading other people's stories, hearing about their struggles.  It helps to know that I'm not alone in this battle with the bulge.  And I decided, that if I'm FINALLY going to win this battle, then I need to get real....I need to REALLY dedicate myself to this fight.....so it's about to get a whole lot more real up in here....I'm going to put my journey out there for the world and the Internet to read.....I'm going to take a leap and see if blogging through this journey is the key to helping me finally attain all that has seemed so elusive in the past.  The future will see.....but I plan to commit to this, I'm going to join Erin and Alex each Wednesday with Weigh In Wednesdays.  I'm hoping that by putting it out there, by putting "pen to paper" (or fingers to keyboard) that it will help me on my journey. So here's my story, the whole ugly truth.......

I joined Weight Watchers WAY back in my  mid 20's, probably around 1990 or so.....(I'm 48 if you are trying to do the math!)  Back then I had about 25 pounds to lose, and I did so pretty effortlessly, and I achieved lifetime status.  I don't remember EXACTLY what my start weight was, but my goal, which I reached, was 135 lbs. I'm 5'8".....that was pretty thin, the thinnest I've ever been in my adult life. This is the ONLY time I've ever worn a 2 piece bathing suit, and probably one of the only times I've ever allowed myself to be photographed in a bathing suit!

But the ugly truth is......I STILL FELT FAT!  My boyfriend at the time kept encouraging me to hit 120 pounds.  I have no idea where that "ideal weight" came from, it was just some arbitrary number that I guess made him feel good .... he wanted his girlfriend to be that weight.  I was never happy at the AMAZING weight of 135, I always felt "less than" because I wasn't able to attain that ultimate prize of 120.  You know that saying "I wish I weighed what I did when I thought I was fat?" ya..THAT!

The next record I have of my weight (because I've joined and quit Weight Watchers at least 11 times since then) is May 1996 -- the year I got married.  Our wedding was in October, I weight about 160 lbs.  AGAIN, IF I ONLY WEIGHED WHAT I DID WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT!!  Not happy at my wedding, felt fat.....yada, yada, yada

Mr. Limefreckle and I at our wedding in 1996

Fast forward to the birth of Limefreckle Jr.....April 2001, I weighed 208 about 3 weeks after his birth.  I stayed with Weight Watchers pretty consistently for the next 16  months or so.  I was a big time gym rat.  I discovered that if I went to the gym every day, they would TAKE Limefreckle Jr. in the daycare for 2 WHOLE HOURS so that I could have a great workout and a SHOWER!!  It was heaven!  I had a personal trainer, I made some fantastic friends, other stay at home Mom's on the same journey as me.....I joined a group and we trained to run a 10K......and I weighed 165 lbs, closer to my wedding weight (at which I still felt fat).  At least I was a little more settled, and I felt like I was committed to working out, and I was on my way to achieving my goals.

Then I got pregnant. And I started to bleed during my pregnancy.....and all activity came to a screeching halt........and I lost the baby.  That was the end of my running career.  I have never ran again, except for brief little spurts on the treadmill, only for moments at a time.  I just can't seem to find any pleasure in it....Although truth be told, I didn't REALLY enjoy running, I just did it because everyone else was, and the 10K was a good goal to work towards.  After my miscarriage (this was the second one for me, I had one before Limefreckle Jr.) whenever I would try to run I HATED it, and I gave up.  I'm not sure if in my mind, I'm associating running with that time of my life when I lost the baby, quite possibly that is what is happening, and that's why running brings forth such bad feelings inside of me. 

Around that same time, Limefreckle Jr. was diagnosed with Autism.  The next few years are literally a blur to me.....they were filled with worry, doubt, epic tantrums and meltdowns, so much stuff that I never thought I'd ever face.  My weight continued to climb as I ate and drank for comfort, trying to escape the challenges in my life, and comfort eating seemed to bring me comfort...at least in the short term.

I gained, and lost a little year after year; hit 176 in June/04, then 204 in June/08, then 219 in February 2011. By Spring of 2011, I weighed my all time high of 225 lbs. In August 2011, Mr. Limefreckle started training with a new trainer, so I decided to join him, and to follow the diet plan the trainer recommended to him. By April 2012 I was down to 185 lbs. I hadn't felt that good in years!

I thought that I was on my way I had conquered my problems, that this time was going to be different.....but then I hurt my back, I stopped training....and the weight crept back on.

So now I'm back.  I started back to weekly meetings and weigh ins on November 30, 2012.  My starting weight this time was 215.2 lbs.  I look back over the years and feel so out of control.  It's been almost 2 decades of yo-yo'ing....and it's ENOUGH!  Not to mention that I can't even IMAGINE what this kind of yo-yo'ing has done to my metabolism, and my health. But I'm not going to pretend that I'm mostly concerned about my health.  OF COURSE that is a big consideration....I want to be healthy, I want to have energy, I want to live longer....but mainly, I want to look good in a pair of skinny jeans.....bottom line.

So tomorrow I'm start linking up to Weigh in Wednesdays, and we'll see how it goes.  I'm hoping that this community will help me to FINALLY achieve the weight that I want to be (which, by the way, I'm not exactly sure about just yet!)  I know that I'm not aiming for my original goal weight of 135. Along my Weight Watchers journey I changed my goal to 155.  I'll aim for that right now, and see how it goes.


VandyJ said...

Good luck. With support, you can do it!

Mountaindreamers said...

good luck and I feel your pain. Remember the food stream is full of really "not so good for you " things now. Anything processed has msg, artificial sweetners, high fructose sweetners and pesticide residue. All of these encourage weight gain. When I look back at being a kid in the 60's before big food became the norm no one struggled with weight . sure there was maybe a small percentage who were over the ideal but food was not such an enemy . Pick as much fresh unprocessed organic foods as possible . I always feel better when eating this way. Pat yourself on the back for wanting to be healthy.

Julie Maloney said...

I swear it doesn't matter how thin one gets, if they were ever heavy they will always see themselves as fat. I lost 100 pounds using the Wii Fit and am now a size six from a sixteen and I still cover my stomach when my hubs sees me.

Xazmin said...

Good luck, and thank you for sharing your story.

I know it's easy to get discouraged when we feel like we've failed at a specific goal - but I hope you know that everything you've been through, and coming out on top is a wonderful accomplishment in itself.

I recommend alltheweigh.com if you haven't already looked at that blog.

Limefreckle said...

thanks for the comments everyone, it's hard to put yourself out there, but I feel like it was a step I needed to take if I'm going to blog about this journey! And it's true Julie, no matter how thin one gets, we stil think we are heavy! I'm hoping this time around, I can change that thinking for me!